da stake casino： Two days in and I’m still reeling from the news that FIFA is corrupt. Not just in a UEFA kind of way either, but to the very core.
da fezbet： The worst kind of corrupt. Pips and all.
I can’t lie and say that this shocking development hasn’t cut me to the quick and sparked real trust issues in everything that I’d previously held dear. That fast food worker who served me a breakfast McMuffin earlier…was he really wishing me a nice day? Or is he obligated to say that to everyone?
My email relationship with the Nigerian Prince Dimka Kamara meanwhile has deteriorated this past week, and I’m now starting t0 question whether he will ever release the promised million dollars into my account.
It feels like I’ve been jettisoned into a paranoid thriller starring Gene Hackman. Nothing makes sense anymore. FIFA…corrupt?
At least the ever-reliable paragon of virtue and transparency Sepp Blatter remains squeaky clean. That man is a constant in a topsy-turvy world.
Alas I’ve seen enough paranoid thrillers starring Gene Hackman to know that the FBI won’t stop short of tearing down the whole house, Sepp and all. Like Suarez at a corner, once they’ve got their teeth into something they don’t let go.
In fact, he may even have gone by the time you read this. Which would be a great shame. Don’t people realise this man is a champion of women’s football, gallantly thinking of their legs getting a bit chilly in winter when he suggested they wore tighter shorts?
Will he ever be forgiven for an innocent mistake made back in 2010 when discussing the music for the opening ceremony in Australia seven years from now where he was widely heard remarking, “I think we should go with guitar?”
These are chaotic times and sometimes good men take the fall. Should this happen the beautiful game needs and deserves a worthy successor to fill such sizable shoes.
The shortlist starts here….
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Diego Maradona
Hate them or loathe them, we can all agree that proceedings were certainly never dull at FIFA headquarters and long may that continue.
Do we now really want transparency and sensible individuals making sensible decisions? Boring! With Diego in charge there would be backhanders from God, pool parties with dwarves on unicycles couriering small mountains of nostril candy, and a controversial revisionism of Geoff Hurst’s ’66 crossbar trembler.
Plus any impudent investigative journalists would get their face shot clean off.
Tony Soprano
FIFA has often been compared to the mafia but to the best of our knowledge Jack Warner has never wiped out a rival mob on the day of his godson’s christening or placed a horse’s head in Greg Dyke’s bed. Amateur.
If FIFA want to play at being racketeering gangsters we suggest they go the whole hog and install the head of the New Jersey family as president in their postponed election.
One things for sure, Tony wouldn’t have transferred grubby funds to the account of a swimming pool builder from Georgia. He’d have stashed the bribes in the correct and proper manner – in a duck feed bin at the bottom of his garden.
Dot Cotton
If you’re going to allegedly launder tens of millions of dollars over two decades why not go literal and bring in Mr Papadopolous as a silent partner?
Dot would act as the perfect cover for any snooping FBI special agents by blowing cigarette smoke in their mush and boring them stupid with tales of her Nick.
Scrooge McDuck
Deposing the present bunch of rotten apples is all well and good but what remains is that football is awash with vast fortunes that flows in and out of wild west territories leading to lucrative deals mostly concluded behind closed doors.
The temptations will always be there.
Which is why we need a man, well a duck, who already enjoys fabulous riches of such excess that his main pastime is skiing down an incline of gold coins and diamond necklaces. What’s a few dirty dollars that risks jail-time in comparison to that?
Scrooge would also not have wasted £19m on a vanity project film about the organisation that recouped just £125,000. 19 pence maybe at a push.
Olly Murs
Okay so Diego, Tony, Dot or Scrooge aren’t to your liking and you want a comprehensive clean-sweep in the murky corridors of power, a far-reaching reappraisal of the game’s governing body that is criminal to its very being.
Then may we suggest good old Olly taking charge? The man’s a saint; a salt-of-the-earth national sweetheart who would implement godly goodness and a cheeky smile to all dealings at FIFA HQ.
Additionally he’s a genuine fan too, having watched his beloved Manchester United on Sky since he was a small boy from his living room in Essex.
Can you imagine anyone attempting to bribe lovely Olly? I mean, just look at that adorably innocent face. He’d be so offended he would probably ask his team of songwriters to pen a rubbish song about it.